Calm down… ma’am. Calm down. I am not advocating actually electrocuting a gorilla. If you want to file a complaint with the SPCA or King Kong’s people, you are more than welcome to do so… but such action is unnecessary and overkill. A few months ago, my family accidentally stumbled upon one of the coolest games ever… at Chuck E. Cheese. Usually, the very mention of that establishment doubles me over in agony and rushes sorrowful tears forcefully out of my eye sockets. But something magical happened on that particular visit that made me rethink my entire childhood experience. The stars aligned in the heavens. The earth tilted on its axis. And feels of unexplained euphoria came over me. I felt alive and happy… as an adult… at Chuck E. Cheese. How did that happen? I’m about to tell you, Nelly. You really need to calm down. Calm down.
When I pulled in the parking lot that evening, I was in an unusually upbeat mood. So upbeat that I didn’t have a problem with my wife wanting to go next door to Big Lots to do a little shopping instead of celebrating the madness of Mr. Cheese with me. I remember telling her to go ahead, I’ve got this. I was like a fairy godmother, sprinkling fun dust all over the place. Sometimes boys just wanna have fun too.
I took the boys inside and got our hands stamped. Next, we walked to the counter to exchanged our real money for three plastic buckets of fake money. Then… we were off to the races. My youngest loves all the racing games – the nascar, snow mobile, Temple Run type games. So he grabbed me by the hand and led me around like he was my parent. My middle son is a shrewd businessman and also a bit of a risk taker. He’s all about the tickets, so he made a beeline for every game with a high payout rate. He burned through his stash of fake cash super fast. Normally, that would have bothered me, but not that night. God must have given me a double dose of joy, cause all I wanted was for my peeps to have an incredible time. My oldest is obsessed with “da foosball”. That’s how you say football in Cajun… at least that’s how The Waterboy‘s mama said it. So it must be true. He is so competitive that he could win and argument with himself about his passing record on Madden. He spent most of the night at the NFL 2 Minute Quarterback Challenge.
What did I do? There’s no need to get pushy, Suzy Homemaker. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I am an old soul, forty five in bear years to be exact. You should take a look at it sometime if you want. Anyway, I have always loved Skeeball. It’s pretty straight forward. Roll the ball and get it in the hole. I can handle that even at Charles Elderman Cheesewhiz’s craziest extravaganza. Skeeball will always be my jam, but towards the end of that night, I discovered the Gorilla Shocker game. How did I miss an eight foot tall gorilla with blood shot eyes, veins popping out of its neck and an electric chair harness on its head? Beats me, but I have a sneaky suspicion that Chevy Chase probably designed it or at the very least consulted on its design. Fantastically weird on every level.
The game is quite simple. There are two metal rods coming out of the gorilla’s hands. After you put a token in the machine, you select which level of intensity you think you can handle, then you hold on for dear life. When the first jolt of electricity hits the gorilla, the rods start vibrating in your hands and all the muscles in your fingers, hands, and forearms begin to contract. The longer you hold on, the more intensely the gorilla gets shocked. And when the steam starts pour out of its ears and nose holes, I guarantee your kids will loose their ever-loving minds!!! I sure lost mine.
I’m proud of you, Martha Stewart. You haven’t interrupted me for the last two paragraphs. I really appreciate that. We laughed so hard watching each other writhe in pretend pain that a small crowd gathered around waiting for their turn to get in on the action. That silly game brought me and my boys closer together in a way that Nascar, Foosball, Skeeball, or Temple Run ever could. It was worth the price of admission. It was worth the risk of viral infections from the unsupervised kid in the corner who liked to lick everything in sight. It was worth the chance of long term psychological damage from the ginormous rat mascot begging for a high five. That is why I think electrocuting a gorilla in front of your kids is a good idea. It’s fun and no one is going to convince me otherwise. That includes you, Barefoot Contessa.
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Photo Credit: FreeImages.com/Jeff Broderick