I went to Panama City Beach, Florida last week because two of my sons were participating in a national homeschool football tournament – which they won btw! We had a great time making memories at and outside of the football games. I might write a post about some of those experiences another time, but this blog is about the weird.
As the name suggests, Panama City Beach is a small town, right on the beach. And like most beach towns, it is all kinds of kitschy. Beached themed stores, restaurants, hotels, pharmacies, grocery stores, bowling alleys, ad infinitum. Every inch of real estate is fully committed to making sure you know that you are indeed at the beach. Now that I’ve typed it out loud… It really makes me start to wonder if maybe I wasn’t at the beach. Maybe the greatest conspiracy of all time is being played out on the world stage. Maybe humanity’s most powerful institutions are collaborating to keep you and me convinced that… after hours of driving to reach “the beach”… that we have actually arrived, when we have not. Maybe! Possibly…. but probably not.
Back to what I was saying before I distracted myself.
Panama City is a lovely town with lovely beaches. The sand is super white and littered with pristine sea shells. The water is crystal clear. We saw sharks, dolphins, manta rays, pelicans, tiny sea birds, and big seagulls. It really is beautiful. I have been to many beach town communities in Florida including Orlando, Pebble Beach, Tampa Bay, Miami, Tarpon Springs, and…. Clearwater.
Ok, Orlando is not a beach community, but it was put on the map by a giant mouse and its friends. Tell me with a straight face that that’s normal. Pebble Beach is a community that loves smallish rocks so much that they have to share them with the world. Tampa Bay is now the home of the greatest quarter back of all times. That’s not weird, but it is miraculous! Miami Vice – need I say more. Tarpon Springs is the sponge capital of the world. Doesn’t that mean that Sponge Bob has to pay homage to Tarpon Springs at least once a year? And Clearwater Florida… Clearwater definitely deserves a post all to itself. Look for that in the not too distant future.
Ok… so maybe you are from Florida and are now all defensive on the inside. I get it. We all have blind spots when it comes to our own disfunction. But just because you are used to certain situations doesn’t make them normal. Don’t believe me? Check out this video from Shayne Smith about the astonishingly ridiculous nature of the weird side of Florida.
Let’s try to land the proverbial plane, Marshal.
The world has changed drastically since I was a little boy, going on family vacations with my parents, older brother and younger sister. Almost every year, we would go to Nags Head, North Carolina. My brother and I got to ride in the back of dad’s Chevy pickup truck. Dad had a camper-shell on the bed of the truck, so we were not in danger of flying out. He put down a thick layer of some kind of foam to add a layer of protection for our tushes on the journey. But we were not strapped down, so we could roll around to our hearts content. We could also lay down and stretch out. This was all possible because seatbelt laws did not exist.
It was nothing like my oldest son’s experience sitting in the back seat of our SUV, engulfed by luggage, sleeping bags, pillows, and duffle bags over-stuffed with stinky football gear.
Here’s the simple truth. If you decide to take your family to the beach – in Florida or not – someone will get traumatized in one way or another. Sunburnt. Attacked by seagulls while buried up to one’s little neck in the sand. Witnessing someone wearing less clothing than dignified or reasonable. Price gouged by merciless street vendors simply because they know tourists do not have the willpower to walk away. You or the ones you love will always pay.
Is it worth the risk? Most will say yes. What do you say?
Are you a beach lover or beach hater? Leave me a comment below.
Be nice and share this post with your friends too 🙂
Photo credit: Apollonia Hunter