How To Write A Blog At Starbucks

This morning I am sitting in a very well-known, but very cramped coffee shop, surrounded by strangers that I have no desire to meet or interact with. I’m not trying to be rude by saying that I do not want to talk to them, but it’s my day off and I am a blogger for Pete’s sake. I literally have never met anyone named Pete in my entire life. I guess if he walked in right now, I could find enough social energy to introduce myself to him. But anyone else… forget about it. I didn’t come to Starbucks to ease drop on the insurance guy or the network marketing lady’s pitch meeting. I also didn’t come to shave a few cents off the Verizon bill by availing myself to the store’s free Wifi. I definitely didn’t end up here because this is the closest coffee shop to my house… or because the Barnes & Noble next door isn’t open yet. Wink wink. I came to this Starbucks for two reasons and these two reasons alone… To order a grande caramel cappuccino and to write this long overdue blog post.

After I ordered my grande caramel cappuccino, I figured that the optimal way to garner inspiration about writing a blog about how to write a blog at Starbucks would be for me to ignore my instincts to flee and therefore, stick around. I scanned my surroundings for a few seconds, then I saw it. The most uncomfortable seat in the house… right up by the front windows. When I saw that the table was only about a foot wide with barely enough room to support my cup of coffee and my note pad, I knew right then and there that it was the perfect spot for me to write this master piece.  And with no further ado, here are the steps that I think are vital for writing blog posts at Starbucks:

Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go… do not collect $200.

Barnes & Noble and some Targets are somehow not Starbucks? What? Wait.. what?

Beats me, but if you are writing a blog at Starbucks, might as well actually be at Star…buck…s?

Before you set foot outside of the car, you better make sure your mind is in the right head-space. One way to insure this is to look yourself dead in the eyes in your rear view mirror… then say out loud in the most firm and confident voice you can muster – “That snooty barista is not better than me.”

I highly recommend ordering some kind of coffee drink. For all you tea or flavored water drinkers, I would like to remind you that Starbucks is a coffee shop!

As stated earlier, you should always look for the most uncomfortable table possible. Decreased blood-flow to the brain and increased insecurity pounding in the heart has been proven to improve creativity.

Four or five hundred mostly coherent words will be enough to satisfy most readers.

You can setup a free site by googling “idiots guide to how to setup a free blog”. The more self-deprecating your search terms are the better the results.

By adding a few pictures or videos of unicorns, sasquatches, squashes, and maybe a couple rabid monkeys (if you think your audience is savvy enough to dig that kind of thing) will help your post rocket to the top of the charts in no time. Also, never under estimate the power of over using neat fonts or the dark side.

Unless you are a robot that doesn’t need sleep, you should consider writing a few posts before launching your blog, so you’re not under the gun all the time.

Dead people do not write blogs. Maybe if you are one of the characters from the hit tv show, The Walking Dead, maybe you could explore writing after you are dead. But technically, you’d be undead at that point, so you’d be disqualified. So stop trying to change the rules and get to work on your exciting new blog written entirely at Starbucks.